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I'm ready, so don't stop.

fuck yeah, we could live like this...

9/20/05 09:34 pm - "Your lips give you away..."

First, let me say that I am loving the way that Sony is treating RENT and how they're marketing it and how lovely the film looks. I think they found the hinge on which the title swings--"rent" is not just what is due to lapdog Benny; it's the verb, the breaking down, the tearing apart and the opportunity for rebuilding.

It's a nice metaphor, I guess is what I'm saying.

I should be studying, and everyone's reminding me.

I feel like the shreds of my last life are trying to resurrect themselves and strangle me with their torn and tattered need-of-hem and lack of finish. I say "my last life" because it was recently called to my attention that I am 'obviously' cutting losses and cutting ties. I guess I missed that. I guess I missed a lot. I don't ask for much, and I don't need what I don't ask for, is that so hard to understand? I want an answer, a thought, a grin-- I don't need this pristine perfect ideal that you want to offer me! It's not me, it's not you, it's not what I want! I don't want to be a waste of your time, so don't waste your time on me. Every bit of my life is and has been nothing less than a labor of love. I'll never ask for anything less of you.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm inviting...catastrophe. Pandemonium. Chaos and the whirlwind of youth and irresponsibility. I feel like I'm inviting someone else's dependence, someone else's crutch, someone else's guilt. I involve myself too intimately to get through unscathed, I know this, but the great risk wins the great pay-off, you know? And I'm not looking for a pay-off for me, but if someone else wins out in the end... who does it hurt?

Boys are the root of all evil, however necessary they are. It never fails to amaze me how opposed the extremes can be, the intensity of the crisp fresh and raw juxtaposed with the oozing rotten remains... boiled soybeans in clear plastic and two-day-old bits of ground beef stuck to a Pyrex bowl. Hmm.

9/19/05 10:29 pm - "But don't look back, / you can never look back..."

I made a grave and tragic mistake this evening.

While procrastinating on my Shakespeare essay, reading, and Trimble (yes, all one class), I took the hint and went back to my own theatre glory days. My "local" theaters were breeding grounds for Helen Hayes awards, and the high school theatre reflected that high standard. It was brilliant, and we had the intelligent fellows to understand and critique our work fairly and competently. Such is not the case anymore.

I went back. Back to the Cappies website. Oh yes, yes, yes, you Northern Virginia children, the Cappies, and all the drama they brought on. There's something physically painful about those websites--and worse to see your own writing butchered and tacked back where some second-rate-writer-hack-turned-English-turned-theatre-teacher saw (ill-)fit, but that's neither here nor there. Regardless I had a point, and it was this: kids don't know how to write. Did they ever know? It's almost enough to make me head back down that education track. Almost.

9/19/05 12:56 am - "And now we air our laundry on national tv..."

You know what's lovely? Writing obnoxious posts with specific people in mind-- and laughing at the drama-free-ness. I just may be here for the long haul, I just may be comfortable, I just may be... not settling?

Gyoza turned out better than I hoped; I found out exactly what I need to do to make them perfect. I'll make them over Christmas break for Daddy, and he will marvel at my ingenuity. Hopefully.

Buuuuuut... papers and exams are rolling in this week. Which sucks, but what can you do with that class thing. Granted, all things are made lesser evils by a trip to the Asian food store and chatting with the adorable Chinese woman who runs the place. Makes me miss my grandmother--that woman will be ready to kill me for not coming home by the time I see her in December. I really should call. I'm so the worst at that.

Uhm, what else, what else... Oh. I find myself getting annoyed with people I used to know. Like, seriously, they're pissing me off, and I don't even talk to them anymore. People need to stop that. Like, breathing. They could stop that too. --Is that too mean?

Totally thought of Nick the other day. It made me sad until I realized that I don't have time for people that don't make time for me. But all the same, it was really sad to know that part of my life is sorted out and settled. The pretty part of this, though, is that it's how I gained my Sydni. Ha, and yes, I am a loser. Funny how things turn out.

--And, upbeat again-- a la MichaelChabon.com
The Yiddish Policemen's Union
As of September 17, 2005, 11:31 PM
The latest freak from the shadowy kitchens of the House Of Chabon
will emerge on 11 April 2006, eight days and eighteen years after the
publication of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh. If one had been
informed, then, that an alternate-history, hardboiled-detective love
story would one day follow that dandified mini-epic of gangsters and
post-teen angst, one would not, in the least, have been surprised.

...holy geez, I'm so in love.

9/16/05 11:00 pm - "I could have walked back to San Francisco..."

For those not in the know, I apologize and would like to inform you that Friday night dinners at Whaley's Mill are officially weekly events. So I think we'll set up a Facebook or MySpace group so that I can send out updates for what meal when or if someone else needs to cook or if we have to cancel for some terrible reason.

--So let's talk about the past and the fact that it's the past and it's in the past for a reason. How 'bout we talk about how some tiny jealousies are so admittedly stupid that it would really be easier for everyone just to avoid them altogether... Boy, sometimes I feel stupid.

Shane has taken to tormenting the cat. Poor Miles. Too much sugar for Shane... only... I swear I haven't seen him eat anything more than gyoza...

Headachy all day, good to know it's gone. Present from An-drew--mwah! And... maybe that's it. I should call my mom.

9/7/05 06:43 pm - "Kick-start my rockin', rollin' heart..."

Holy GOD, I would so kill for a Doubles cheeseburger, no tomato or pickles, side of fries, and sweet tea.

Five Guys, O Former Love, thou hast been replaced. And with no bacon necessary.

9/6/05 08:50 pm - "I don't, / don't know / what you could possibly expect under this condition..."

This is Just to Say

I have sliced up
the mango
I put in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
I'd forget
to make you try

Forgive me
it will be delicious
so sweet
and so cold

9/5/05 04:47 pm - "I never thought that I'd be living on your floor..."

Yeah, so JamisonParker's playing at the the Social tomorrow night. Yeah. The Social. Which is in Orlando. Tomorrow night. While I'm in Columbia. Which is in South Carolina. After I gave them up for not playing anywhere near me until the end of the calendar year (lying tour schedules). Damn it.

Lazy, lazy day on the longest of weekends. But it's been nice. Oh so very nice.

9/3/05 01:00 pm - "Is it possible / for the world to look this way forever?"

Wow. Crazy night, fourteenth floor reunion, Steve's birthday, stuffed shells and cake. I'm officially switching my major to PR and planning parties and galas and benefits at the White House for the rest of my life. Or at least as long as I can hide my politics from those Capital Hill conservatives.

--Ha, right. Has kidding ever been more obvious?

But yeah, grand night, hardly the cuddly and fuzzy sweetness that I expected, but really, how real was that musing? Instead it was exactly as I subconsciously preferred because it was so happy and complete. It's so amazing how different things are from this time one year ago and unexpectedly so that is.

"Your lips give you away..."

Ugh, cleaning is actually a happy thing today. Granted, I'd rather not be cleaning up all the BEER cans (Welcome to hosting a party at university?), but somehow it's all I want and need this... morning? Sure, I woke up at noon.

--Delicious torments and just getting married aside, you're frighteningly close to the mind I've always loved.

And as for the rest of you, I direct you to RESPOND to my worried yet hopeful idea. Hey? Please?

8/31/05 10:19 am - "Hours pass, / and she stills counts the minutes..."

I've finally done it. After years of threatening, it's finally happened, and I think I can officially die (hopefully not today, that would be mortifying).

Everything I'm wearing is American Eagle. Everything.

8/29/05 01:15 am - "Guess what, I'm done / writing you songs..."

Hooked on Entourage. Wow, Greg, Ashley, Isaac, thanks for making me dependent on the television again.

Timmy and Jimmy Power Hour. Adorable. Saw it for the first time today. I swear, I've been sitting in front of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network for days. This weekend felt like it was a week long, and I have no idea how. Hilton Head and home and groceries and CP and Entourage and PJ and Greg and Q... Jack's Mannequin coloring it all. How ggggg (thank you Shane)ooooooooooooo (thanks again...) --ANY-how it's been the most incredible week in case you haven't noticed. I still have rhetoric to read for tomorrow's two-thirty, but--I dunno, it's just getting redundant, and it'd be so much sweeter to reminisce over the perfect day that's passed. What's that line, Matthew Theissen? "And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive." "High of 75," kids, good stuff. And didn't I say bring Relient K in a joint effort with Cru' and FCA? Didn't I? DIDN'T I! Ugh. Ash, you and I should stage a massive coup d'etat with Laura; you guys in? I swear, we'd have called a half dozen decent shows in the last several semesters. Damn it.

I swan. Does it get sweeter? I mean, really, can it?
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